A new arrival comes to the gates of heaven. Saint Peter asks, "Your religion?" The man answers "Sikh." Saint Peter checks his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet passing room 8."
Another person arrives. "Religion?"
"Go to room 18, but pass room 8 very quietly along the way."
A third person arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Hipster New Age, dude."
"Go to room 11, but please be quiet and walk slowly passing number 8."
The young man replies, "I understand different rooms for religions, but what's up with eight, man?"
St. Peter responds, "Christians go there, they think they're the only ones here."
Three men are discussing technique.
The Frenchman says "after being with my wife, she is floating on air".
The new age guy says "with my girlfriend, she hovers six inches over the floor".
The Aussie says "I don't know about you guys, but after finishing with the missus I wipe it on the curtains, and she hits the roof".
I used to be New Age, now just old age.
Heard of the New Age great whites? They've got very balanced sharkras.
Reincarnation is making a comeback.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last lifetime, either.
The church exterior badly needed a coat of paint, the preacher would do it himself but had only one can. Mixing with water thinned the paint enough to cover the entire outside. That night it rained hard, washing off the new color. Quite discouraged the preacher asked the Lord, "Why, GOD? . . . Why did you let it rain and wash off all my hard work?" To which came His thundered reply, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Father O'Malley answers the phone Monday morning.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"This is the tax collector’s office. Can you help us?"
"Do you know a John Smith?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate $1,000 to your church?"
"This afternoon he certainly will."
A rich man near death was upset because he had worked hard for his wealth and feared he couldn't take any to Heaven. He prayed that he might.
An angel appeared and said, "You cannot take material riches." The man implored the angel to ask God for an exception, then continued to pray.
The angel re-appeared and said God will allow one suitcase. Overjoyed, the man filled his largest with solid gold bars and put it near his bed.
Soon he died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter saw the luggage and said, "Wait, you may not bring that with you." The man explained his permission. Saint Peter stepped away to check, returned and said, "I've never heard of this before. You are right, God said one carry-on bag but The Lord asked me to check it first."
The new arrival happily opened his cherished suitcase, Saint Peter's eyes grew wide, he smiled and exclaimed, "You brought paving stones!"